The Meg: Diving in the Shallow End

I’m getting more and more cynical when I watch movies, and I’m trying my best to stick to my old creedo of “just enjoy yourself.” That being said, watching the Meg was like trying to have sex with a sensitive virgin. Like, all I want is to be fucked good and hard, and he’s just like “no, let’s just sit and talk all night.” And I end up frustrated and disappointed…

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We sprang for IMAX so, I wanted to see this big ass shark eat the goddamn world and that didn’t fucking happen. The trailer places this shark at one of the busiest beaches in the world—there better be some goddamn carnage in this story! No, instead we are treated to father-daughter relationships, forced sentiment, and some nerd peacocking in the Marianas Trench. No, Hollywood, you have worked too long and too hard to villainize sharks to pull this crap.

I should probably say that I didn’t hate this movie. It just wasn’t the beachgoer-buffet, science-facility-destroying monster I was expecting (there was some of that, but not enough IMO), and while you may think that’s overdone, this movie had plenty of room to be different from other shark movies and it still wasn’t. It was almost like someone watched the Abyss and thought they could just replace aliens with a prehistoric shark. I’m trying to keep this as non-spoilery as possible, but the characters were all cut from other movies, as was the plot (see also: Jaws and Deep Blue Sea), and thirty-five minutes into this movie, I started wondering if we’d ever actually see a shark or the Meg was just some weird reference to Jason Statham’s abs.

Looking back, the plot was okay, but it was almost like two different movies. First half we’re stuck in the trench with Hiro Nakamura just hoping to see some massive teeth or anything resembling a pre-historic monster shark, and second half we’re watching people repeatedly and too often fall from boats into the ocean wondering when you’re actually going to see said fuckboy shark make that cinematic slow motion leap out of the water and eat the entire ship. I realize my perception of a megaladon’s size is skewed, but the movie posters don’t fucking help, okay?

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Acting was good, even if I felt the characters were all too tropey (yeah it’s a word) or weird; like the edgy and cool computer girl, the black wise-cracking other computer guy, the angry doctor, the adorable little smart girl who should be home with a babysitter not at her mother's hazardous pay job,  the super cool nice guy who’s role I don’t totally understand, the annoying billionaire nerd who is too stupid to actually be a believable billionaire nerd, but haha it’s Rainn Wilson so it’s fine, the super smart main girl, and of course, the disgraced tough guy deep-sea rescuer.

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Listen, I will watch any movie with Jason Statham in it, because he’s what I feel is the actual essence of a Guy Richie movie in human form. So, I’m just saying, if Vinnie Jones had been cast as some other sort of unbelievable scientist or maybe a shark wrangler, I would have forgotten all about my need to see this shark eat a carrier full of sailors, and just watched Statham and Jones beat the shark to death with their bare hands and believed it. What I got, was Statham’s strong-jawed, annoyingly too sensitive hero, trying to hook up with the super smart main girl despite her obvious daddy issues while wondering exactly when Ruby Rose’s character would die .

This movie utilizes great tension building due to the fact SO many people fall off boats. It did a great job showing the Marianas trench world of claustrophobic nope. It also uses cool words like “thermocline.” Oh yeah, and there were sharks. At least one really big one…

I will close on this fact… the movie was directed by Jon Turteltaub… who directed 3 Ninjas. In short, the Meg was seriously lacking stoner surfers who feast and felony. 

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3.5 out of 5 STARS // Verdict: See it at least once- if for not for anything but some good fun sharkscapades. Kudos for this movie not using naked women or overuse of the word "boobies." (I'm looking at you, Piranha.)


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